Breakups are terrible, and they don't bring out the best in us. Many things are left unsaid because, when looking at the big picture, they seem unimportant or are too painful to talk about at the time. It's those details, however, that might keep you from moving on or getting closure. They weigh in a lot more than you think.
For some people, having a heart-to-heart with their exes proves to be very constructive. The point is to find out what you did wrong, what you could've done to improve your relationship, and why it didn't work out.
Before you select a few questions to ask your ex, make sure you are ready to talk to him or her. It wouldn't be a good idea to have this talk while you're broken-hearted or want to get back together.
1. Are you at peace with what has happened to us?
In order to have a meaningful conversation that actually teaches you both something, you must make sure your ex is at peace with what has happened between you two. We are not going to focus on questions to ask an ex who wants you back.
Instead, our goal here is for you to grow as a person and learn from your mistakes. If he or she is at peace, you will get the answers you need.
2. Do you have any regrets?
A person burdened by regrets could have a hard time accepting what has happened and forgiving him/herself. By asking your ex this, you also give him or her the chance to apologize. While it could be too late to make amends or do things differently, it is still beneficial to talk about this. You'll feel better knowing that if any harm was done to you, it was probably unintentional and followed by regrets. If it helps, you can also talk about your regrets.
3. What was I like as a girlfriend/boyfriend?
You know who you are and what you have to offer. However, it would be nice to also find out how other people see you, especially your ex. He or she can help you gain another perspective of your actions or make you realize how you might have pushed him or her away, for example.
Playing the role of the perfect partner is not easy for any of us, but there's always room for improvement.
4. Was there something I did that you consider a deal-breaker?
This is among the questions to ask your ex if he or she had a hard time communicating. Numerous people find it difficult to express their feelings of disappointment. Not everyone is able to vent or keep others accountable for their actions. However, this doesn't mean that what you did didn't bother them. Find out what it was.
5. What annoyed you the most about me?
We all do or say something annoying that's characteristic to us. Are you aware of what's annoying about you in general?
You might be surprised to find out how others perceive some of your actions or words. Use the information you get to avoid annoying others in the future and work on changing your bad habits.
6. Did you have second thoughts about our breakup?
After a breakup, you might end up doubting the love you shared with your ex. You might think he or she wasn't as into you as you thought and that you are the only one who can't accept the breakup.
If you find out that your ex had second thoughts about your separation as well, then you might feel better about yourself.
7. Who do you feel was more involved in our relationship and put more effort into it?
As part of a series of serious questions to ask your ex, this one highlights possible imbalances. It would be very constructive to learn that you might have overlooked your ex's efforts. Also, you could realize that you could've done much more for the two of you, but maybe you had other priorities back then. Or, maybe things were the other way around.
Balance and stability are two of the most important aspects of a relationship. The person who feels like he or she does much more than the other for the good of the relationship often ends up breaking things off due to frustration.
8. Were you attracted to other girls/boys?
Those of you who have experienced true love and had at least one long-term relationship know that you don't really have eyes for anyone else when you are in love. When and if that does happen, it is a warning sign.
While you might blame yourself, your ex could be out and about experimenting with various things because he or she is simply not ready for a real commitment. It's always good to know that timing was an issue - not you.
9. Did you cheat on me, or did it cross your mind?
Unless you know exactly why your relationship didn't work, it is easy to assume it was because of another person. Our first instinct is to blame others, and we might be right.
So, if you feel like you were cheated on or betrayed, you might as well ask for confirmation. If that's the case, also ask what could you have done differently to stop him or her from cheating.
10. Is there something you would have done differently?
Even if it might be too late to save your relationship or neither of you wishes to get back together, it is still very constructive to learn what the other would have done differently. You can picture that scenario in your head and end up reaching the same conclusions.
The best-case scenario is that you'll feel more at peace with not being together any more than you were at the beginning of your discussion.
11. Why did we break up?
Such questions to ask your ex aren't about playing the blame game. They are about getting a reasonable explanation for why the breakup happened. It's never just your fault or their fault.
It's a combination of reasons that could help you better understand what happened. Once you do that, it will be easier to move on.
12. What do you think I need in order to be happy in a relationship?
Surely you know exactly what you need in order to be happy in a romantic relationship. Even so, your ex's answer is useful for multiple reasons. He or she will most probably highlight parts that were difficult to be met and picture you as demanding. Or, your ex will talk about areas where he or she failed at making you happy and why.
Maybe you didn't need as much affection as your former partner. Maybe you needed space and he or she was the clingy one. This difference caused an imbalance.
Summary
Select a few of the most pressing questions to ask your ex, and prepare for a whole array of feelings. Keep an open mind, and try to also stay calm and learn from this experience. Remember that your goal is to get closure, move on, and become a better version of yourself.