6 Underlying Issues That Stop You From Falling in Love

Do you feel that you have never felt love, and you are just putting on a show of being in love? If you can't let love in, then there might be something buried deep in your mind. Whenever someone approaches you, you hide in a shell, pretending that you are not interested in love at all. You think: "I can't fall in love because it's just a silly thing." Shutting your emotions like that can lead to loneliness and even depression or anxiety. Whether you do this because of a troubled childhood or an abusive past relationship, it will keep on affecting your relationships. That's why consider the underlying issues before saying: "I can't fall in love."

6 Underlying Issues

As human beings, we need love. We need a solid connection and support from someone to value our personality. Dr. Sal Raichbach, a doctor at Ambrosia Treatment Centre says, "Love is an essential part of humanity. Most people take their relationship skills for granted, but the reality is that a loving, healthy relationship doesn't come easily to everyone." It's not easy for many people to fall in love, but if you think you can't develop a crush on someone, consider the following underlying issues.

1. Past relationships

When someone breaks your heart, it's extremely difficult to move on. It creates trust issues, and you pull away from people when they show interest in you. It's okay to feel sad and angry when someone leaves you, but it's not right to punish yourself for having a bad relationship with someone. Some people try to fill that gap by dating another person when they are not fully ready to feel love again. If you can't connect with people after being in an abusive relationship or cheated by your partner, don't blame yourself. Don't question yourself by saying, "why can't I fall in love?". If this issue doesn't resolve with time, seek professional help. It will help you in becoming better at social interaction.

2. Perfectionism

Having a standard and a certain preference is fine, but when it turns to finding a "perfect" partner, then it becomes an issue. Nobody is perfect, and it's better to have a realistic view of love than ending up alone in search of an ideal partner. When perfectionism is used to hide the fear of commitment and low self-esteem, then it becomes a psychological problem.

3. Childhood abuse

Childhood trauma or abuse of any kind has a huge impact on people and how they choose partners as adults. Even if you think that you have moved past that dark chapter in your life, you need to consider two things:

  • Do you have a difficult time trusting people?

  • Do you choose the wrong kind of partners and convince yourself that it's love?

If any of that is true, then you have left your trauma unresolved. When you see or experience abuse as a child, you are more likely to choose partners who are abusive, manipulative or neglectful. Never think that it's alright because it's not right to let anyone use or abuse you physically or emotionally.

Childhood abuse can also leave scars, and it becomes difficult for you to trust and bond with people. If you struggle with making friends, then you are likely to struggle with romantic relationships too. Get professional help to tap the root cause and feel better. Then you will be able to trust the right people and have a loving and healthy relationship.

4. Fear of intimacy

"Fear of commitment, vulnerability and intimacy keep individuals from opening up, making it extremely difficult for them to sustain a partnership or even get past the first stages of dating." Dr. Raichbach has explained it very clearly that people with a fear of intimacy create a wall, and they don't let anyone in. You shut down when your partner tries to get closer and opens up to you. You feel threatened and scared that if you show even a little bit of your true self, your partner is going to abuse or hurt you. Even if you seem confident, it doesn't mean that you can show your vulnerabilities to someone. You can't expect anyone to love you despite all your flaws when you can't trust them with your weaknesses.

5. Low self-esteem

Do you mostly think, "I can't fall in love because I am not good enough?" You focus on your flaws all the time and stay away from romantic attachments because you think that you are not worthy of love. If you struggle so much with low self-esteem, then someone can take advantage of you or you cut off from people to avoid love. Talk to a close friend or someone you trust and share your feelings. If you don't want to do it, make a journal and talk to a therapist. It will help you greatly in seeing the positive things in you. Loving yourself is the first step of loving another person.

6. Independent and focused on other things

There are people who create short-term relationships but they are not interested in making long-term commitments. They are independent, goal-oriented and focused on other things in life. If that is the case and you are not ready for love, then try not to give false hopes to another person. Whether you have a hobby you love, a good job or you like to travel, focus on enjoying your life. You'll find love whenever you are ready.

How to Manage

If you can't fall in love because of past failures, childhood trauma, fear, anxiety or a personality disorder, you don't need to panic. First of all, recognize your problem. Then share your fears and worries with someone you trust. You are not alone and you can get support to overcome or at least manage your issues. Counseling or therapy will help you in getting to the root cause. Life has a lot in store for you and you deserve to give and receive love.

Rabiya Ehtasahm
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Hi, I am Rabiya Ehtasahm and I am a writer. Exploring the nuances of life experiences, relationships, and friendship, I love to express the beauty hidden in human connection. Combining personal experience with keen observation, I talk about being confident and being yourself when we enter into new relationships. Writing about the intricacy of love, friendship and relationships is just like opening up our hearts and souls and knowing ourselves better. I hope that you make that deep connection with yourself and those around you through my blogs.