It's not something that any married woman would want to admit to themselves or anyone else. But the reality for many spouses is that over time feelings of hatred can begin to grow. It's inevitable that years of problems and conflicts between two people will inevitably accumulate and result in a wife thinking, "I hate my husband." If you are struggling with this feeling, it might comfort you to know that this is not only a normal response to the trials relationships can face - it's also common in a large percentage of marriages, regardless of how things may look from the outside.
Read below to understand if you really do hate your husband and how to deal with these negative feelings positively.
What to Do If You Think You Hate Your Husband
1. Don't exaggerate or belittle your feelings
First of all, it's important that you are honest about your feelings and can put them into perspective. When women get upset about something, we tend to make the issue bigger in our minds than it actually is. We inflate the impact of the offense to justify the reaction we are giving. So if, for example, your husband is late (again) for dinner, instead of thinking:
"He's been held back at the office again. This is so annoying."
You'll think:
"He is so disrespectful. He doesn't care that I spent hours preparing this food for him. He's so selfish. I hate my husband...." and you'll continue this angry monologue in your mind as you pack away the meal you made, and work yourself up with all the exaggerated hurt you're feeling.
Putting things into perspective is seeing the situation for what it is. You don't need to brush it off and pretend everything is fine, but you shouldn't allow yourself to believe that your husband is deliberately hurting you either.
2. Is what you're feeling really hate?
Take a frank look at your feelings. Do you think you honestly hate your husband? Hate is a strong word, and although the saying is true: "There's a thin line between love and hate," it takes something quite serious to cross that thin line.
Dr. Juliana Morris is a relationship expert who says that in her counseling practice:
"Couples often use the word 'hate' to make an exaggerated point about someone or something that they find beyond irritating."
When passions run high, it's natural to use the word hate instead of more specific ones like hurt, disappointed, frustrated, resentful, and so on.
Try to name your feeling specifically.
This will help you to identify the root cause of the issue. This is necessary for you to find a place where you can begin to resolve the problems affecting your marriage.
3. Communicate, don't bottle it up
Unexpressed emotions fester until they erupt. If your husband is driving you crazy with messiness or laziness or any other more serious fault, you must be able to let him know exactly how you feel as early as possible.
However, remember that you must communicate with him in a way so that he receives the information in an understanding way, and not reject it because of how you express your feelings to him.
Constantly seeing your husbands worn underwear on the bathroom floor could make you think, "My husband disgusts me." One day you're bound to explode with accusations and insults. Instead, when you see the underwear on the floor, you can say to him:
"Here I am once again picking up my husband's smelly pants because, for some reason, he can't."
or you could say:
"I feel frustrated, hurt, and irritated that I have to pick up after you. It makes me feel disrespected."
Hopefully, with the use of good communication skills, in time, your husband will understand how his behavior affects you. In the meantime, making these kinds of comments when the issue arises will prevent the build-up of unexpressed emotions resulting in an exaggerated eruption of feelings in the future.
4. Add something exciting to your marriage
Sometimes negative feelings can grow as a result of getting lost in the mundane routine of life. We can quickly forget about the things we love about our partners because our lifestyles don't give us the opportunities to see them.
Adding something new and exciting can be the change you need to breathe new life into the dynamic of your relationship. Having fun and laughing with your spouse is vitally important. It deepens the bond between you, and it can relieve stress, it can remind you not to take things so seriously all the time, and allow you to forgive each other easily.
Whether you decide to meet in a dark bar somewhere different every fortnight or take a salsa class together, choose something you think you will both enjoy. This will be sure to remind you both of how much you enjoy the good times you share.
5. Focus on the Positive
It is said that what you focus on grows. So when your spouse ignores you, and you think:
"This guy doesn't love me. He shows no interest in me anymore. I hate my husband."
You are now focused on this feeling and will find more and more evidence to prove you're right. This is a very negative cycle to get caught in. It's this kind of thinking that contributes to the demise of marriages.
You can change the negative fate of your relationship by changing your focus.
Try to only focus on the good things about your partner, the things that made you love him in the beginning, and admire him still. Accept that you, yourself are not perfect and try to overlook and forgive him for his imperfections (the way he probably does for you). This is a powerful way to save and strengthen a struggling marriage.
"If you don't go through periods of annoyance and even disgust towards your partner, you haven't broken through the superficial barrier and explored the dark crevices that make up the whole person." - Marla Mattenson, relationship expert.
Many philosophers and relationship experts believe that one cannot truly love their partner until they have seen the worst sides of them, and can love them anyway.
If you cannot see past your partner's shortcomings, you might have to consider if you truly loved them in the first place.
6. Think about counselling
If you've tried to deal with the feeling of hating your husband with no success, then it might be time to seek professional help.
Marriage is a precious commitment, and it always deserves the effort necessary to sustain it and keep it healthy for both parties involved.
A relationship professional can help by teaching you how to communicate positively and productively. You may learn to understand your partner better and realize why he does or doesn't do the things that upset you. This will help you not to feel hurt or anger towards him or (importantly) not to take his behaviors personally.
If there's a particular flaw that you believe will eventually end your marriage, counseling is a safe place to discuss this and plan together how he will work on the issue.
Of course, your husband has to be willing to open up to sharing your problems with a stranger. And you both will have to exercise the discipline required to bring about the changes you want to see in your relationship.
If done properly, counseling or mediation could be just what you need to help you feel heard by your husband and not hatred towards him.
Final Words
It's common to find yourself at a stage in your marriage where you start thinking, 'I hate my husband.'
Time and life's challenges can put a strain on even the strongest of marriages. But it's important to fully identify what your feelings are and the reasons behind them. In this way, you'll be able to begin finding the right solutions to them. If you have to accept that you've grown apart, seeking professional advice can help you identify this. If this is not the case, then know that working through this trying time will make your marriage stronger than it ever was before.