You can surely remember the days when your relationship was full of love and tenderness. You relished spending time together and things between you were fun and easy. These days your relationship is more like a bitter battleground and getting along peacefully is a rare occurrence. As adults with shared responsibilities, such as mortgages or children, breaking up might not be a desirable solution for either one of you.
So how do you know if you're just going through a rough patch and things will get better on their own, or if your relationship is damaged beyond repair and is doomed if nothing changes?
Read below to find out some of the signs your relationship is beyond repair and if there is anything that can be done to save it.
Sign 1: Everything They Do Annoys You
Your partner's funny quirks didn't bother you before. In fact, you never even noticed them, but now they drive you crazy! His habit of leaving his dirty laundry on the bathroom floor and his half-eaten breakfast in the bedroom convinces you that he believes you're his personal slave! These kinds of thoughts leave you feeling upset, and you end up getting into arguments over the pettiest issues.
- Does this mean your relationship is beyond repair?
No, it doesn't. This problem can be repaired by changing the way you think about the things that annoy you.
- How to fix it:
You can get past the annoying feelings triggered by the little things your spouse does by understanding that they are not done deliberately to upset you. He might have been in a hurry or just had other things on his mind. When we learn not to take things personally, they lose the power to make us upset. This is how to fix a relationship that has this kind of problem.
Sign 2: Communication Is a Challenge
Like many couples say, in the early days you and your husband were able to talk for hours, sharing all your thoughts and secrets. Now any kind of communication is a challenge, and you can't even remember the last time you had a long intimate conversation. We all know that good communication is a vital part of a healthy relationship. When this breaks down, does it mean that you are heading for a breakup?
- Does this mean your relationship is beyond repair?
If neither of you is able or willing to make the effort necessary to open the lines of communication, it is possible that the bond in your relationship can weaken and easily break under any extra pressure.
- How to fix it:
Learn how to fix a relationship and overcome communication challenges by creating a safe environment for you both to share your feelings. If you've been quick to criticize the things your man says to you or use the things he tells you against him in later conversations, he will not feel safe sharing things with you. If he's a sensitive person and you're afraid of easily getting into arguments, you too will learn to avoid communication.
The first step in fixing this problem is to set good communication rules! This could be one person saying what they want to express and the other person repeating what they understood from it before responding. Or, no one is allowed to say anything that is negative or accusing. Come up with a plan that will work for you and you'll see an improvement in your relationship pretty quickly.
Sign 3: Lack of Intimacy
You find yourself lying in a cold bed most nights. You don't reach out to him because you're afraid he'll reject you, and he doesn't reach out to you because...well, you're not even sure why. All you know is that the passion between you has completely cooled off and there is definitely a problem. Now, instead of spooning with your beloved, you're spending your nights thinking "I don't know how to fix my relationship." Lack of intimacy in a relationship for long periods of time is a bad sign for a relationship that is struggling with other issues too.
- Does this mean your relationship is beyond repair?
This is a real cause for concern, but it isn't a problem that cannot be fixed with the right approach.
- How to fix it:
The fire can be brought back into your bedroom with some proactive planning. It's better to inspire arousal in your husband than to ask for it (it doesn't usually work that way anyway) and you don't have to start in an obviously sexual way.
You can begin to attract his attention by simply giving him your full attention. When you speak to him, maintain eye contact, listen, and show him that you are interested in what he's saying. Touch him in non-sexual ways. A stroke down his back or along his thigh is enough to remind him of how your tender touches used to feel. You can try talking about sex in a casual way, not asking or complaining about your sex life (or lack thereof). You can tell him a "funny story" you heard which is actually very sexually detailed. You can do this subtly if you're not bold enough to do anything more obvious, or you could be more direct and put on some porn for you to watch together.
Whatever suits your style is worth trying if you're serious about fixing the intimacy issues in your relationship.
Sign 4: Nothing in Common
Couples that have been together for considerable amounts of time can feel like the spark is gone. It's quite normal and even to be expected that the intense passion you once shared will evolve into boring repetitiveness. It could feel like you've grown apart or that you're no longer in love with each other and you just don't have the courage to admit it to yourselves.
This is what is known as a "Fantasy Bond.'' This is a term coined by Dr. Robert Firestone. It describes a state two people get to where the couple stop showing love and interest in each other and, instead, relate out of habit. When in a Fantasy Bond, a couple will often start to find in each other traits that hurt them in their own past experiences. As they stop engaging in acts of affection, appreciation, and love, the distance between them grows. They now simply "go through the motions'' of being a couple, without taking the time to nurture their relationship.
- Does this mean your relationship is beyond repair?
Having a Fantasy Bond with your partner is a problem that could potentially lead to a break up if one of you decides that they want to experience a truly loving bond again, but if you both want to repair the relationship this can still be done, even at this stage.
- How to fix it:
If you need to know how to fix a relationship that's stuck in a Fantasy Bond, you'll need to do things that will encourage a real bond to grow or things that will remind you of the deep bond you shared before things began to change. Do this by spending quality time together, giving each other your full attention, arranging romantic dates, and trying new things together to recreate the feelings you had for each other. Express your thoughts and feelings to encourage your partner to share more with you too. All these things will work to strengthen a weakened bond. You'll soon remember all the reasons you fell in love with your spouse in the first place.
Sign 5: Treating Each Other With Contempt
Marriage expert John Gottman says that this is one of the most significant signs of a relationship that is not going to survive. Treating each other with contempt means that one or both of you no longer cares about the other person's feelings. You respond to each other with scornful or disrespectful comments. These can also be subtle acts between two people, but it's clear that they have stopped showing respect and love for each other. Some of them are rolling their eyes or speaking badly about their partner to other people.
- Does this mean your relationship is beyond repair?
Contempt in a relationship is a sign that it's dangerously close to irreparable, but it can still be salvaged if both parties want it.
- How to fix it:
A recent study carried out among men of varied age groups and backgrounds showed that men value feeling respected over being loved. Therefore, even if you love your man but treat him in a disrespectful way, he will not feel loved, and it will be difficult for him to show you love in return. Being respectful and not showing contempt means: not interrupting him, not correcting or criticizing him for no reason, not making fun or mocking him, and not undermining him. Do this and you'll be sure to see the loving, tender side of your spouse again.
Sign 6: Infidelity
This is certainly a sign that a relationship is damaged. The infidelity could have happened because of issues already existing in the relationship, and the relationship is now worsened by cheating. On the other hand, it's possible that you had a perfectly happy relationship yet infidelity happened anyway. Whatever the case is, the survival of your relationship now hangs in the balance.
- Does this mean your relationship is beyond repair?
This depends. There are many factors affecting whether a relationship can be repaired after infidelity. Every relationship (and affair) is different. But ultimately, if you both want the relationship to work, it is possible to find what was lost eventually.
- How to fix it:
Trust is like a mirror once broken; it can be repaired but it will never be the same. This could be interpreted as a good thing or a bad thing depending on how you choose to look at it. Another saying is that a heart that has been broken heals stronger. Therefore, if you are able to rebuild the trust between you, it's possible that the relationship (and you) can become stronger as a result.
It might take some time, but honest communication about the root of the issues which caused the person to stray can help you to face the problem, forgive, and heal. Consider going together for counseling if you both want to fix your relationship and feel that you need professional help to do so.
Summary
We as individual humans have our own flaws and faults. When two people are together, it's inevitable that problems arise. Some problems are simple and straightforward to work through, while some can be so devastating that it's impossible for a couple to survive it. However, love is a resilient emotion. Regardless of what two people go through, love can blossom again if they both want it and are prepared to do what it takes. Conscious and continuous effort coupled with patience and time will heal almost any relationship.