Growing up, every person develops a way to get attached to romantic partners. The way we were raised by our parents, as well as our experience with love interests, influence the way we will behave with other partners in the future. As a result of bad experiences, some of us end up becoming codependent.
Codependency refers to a situation when a person relies too much on their partner, to the point of expecting the other to meet all their emotional needs. It's different from being clingy. Codependent people will plan their whole life around their love interest, and will do anything to please him or her.
However, this is not a healthy way to get along with your significant other. Not getting rid of this behavior will maintain a toxic cycle that could damage the relationship. So, how to stop being codependent?
1. Realize Your Behavior Pattern in Your Relationship
Which end do you find yourself at? Do you think you're the codependent partner, or the non-codependent one? Realizing your relationship pattern is the first step towards stopping your unhealthy behavior.
Look for some signs of codependency. For instance, you may find that you are quite controlling and that you want the other to always do things the way you want, because you lack trust. Or, you may notice that your entire happiness is influenced by your partner. In some situations, you may feel like you're too assertive when you say no, which may make you feel like you're being too mean.
These are only a few signs that you may be the codependent one in the relationship, and once you recognize them, you need to stop this behavior. Of course, this won't happen in an instant. However, realizing your behavioral pattern is the first step towards solving the issue.
2. Find Out What a Healthy Relationship Looks Like
If you want to stop being codependent, you need to have a good example of how much potential a healthy relationship has. This doesn't mean that your codependent relationship will fail, but codependency certainly has the power to ruin the bond between two people over time.
Look around you – do you have people in your life with good relationships? How do they act? In a healthy relationship, partners can easily communicate their needs and feelings, aiming to solve problems together as a couple. Not to mention that both parties trust each other and don't mind compromising. They have love for themselves and realize their self-worth too.
Seeing others with healthy attachments may influence you to start becoming better on your own. The toxicity of a codependent relationship will only bring pain, whereas a healthy one will bring comfort and happiness.
3. Set Boundaries
You may be worrying too much about your partner, so much that you tend to neglect your own needs. Even if it means making yourself uncomfortable, you still try to meet your partner's needs – this is how codependency works.
When it comes to stopping codependency, one of the first steps is setting boundaries. By doing so, you will pretty much set a limit for things that make you uncomfortable.
For instance, if someone asks you for help, yet you're not available, it's okay to refuse. You don't have to sacrifice yourself for someone else all the time – your needs are important as well. You can politely refuse the person. Also, you could ask yourself a few questions before doing something. Ask yourself if this will leave you enough energy to deal with your own needs, and if you feel like you have to do something or you want to do it.
4. Find Out What You Need
If you want to learn how to not be codependent, you need to identify your own needs. Your life doesn't revolve around your relationship, even if codependency makes you feel like it does. You are your own person, allowed to have your own needs and opinions on things. After all, you have an identity of your own. Your partner is there to complement your life, not to define it.
Try to think about what you want from this life. Is it a nice job, a relationship, a different place, a big circle of friends, a family, or anything else? Finding out what you need will give you something of your own to work on, so you can stop being focused only on what your partner wants.
However, bear in mind that this doesn't happen at the snap of your fingers. It will take a while to figure out what you want to do in life, and that's okay. Don't let this bring you down.
5. Learn to Value Yourself
More often than not, codependency is caused by childhood problems, or by an unhealthy relationship where your romantic partner hurt you very badly. Consequently, you might have not only lost your sense of self-worth, but you may also feel that your current partner may cause you a lot of pain as well, which is why you try to please them all the time.
It's not your fault, but you have the power to change it. Learning your self-worth is one of the keys to escaping codependency.
You can gain it in different ways, such as by doing things that you love, or spending time around people who treat you nicely. Also, it's important to let go of self-critique. Replace the bad things you say about yourself with good things that you're proud of, such as, "I'm doing my best to escape codependency."
Realize your self-worth, and you'll start behaving in a healthier way. Also, once your self-esteem grows, the confidence you will radiate will feel more attractive to your partner as well.
6. Make Yourself a Priority
Self-growth is important, especially if you are trying to break the toxic codependency cycle that you may be causing. This is why you have to make yourself a priority. If you wanted something from your spouse or family members, it might be better if you have it on your own. The more you break your codependent patterns, the more you will be able to rely on yourself and stop prioritizing others.
Also, learn how to say "no" every now and then. If you feel like you're being drawn to bad habits that you were trying to break, say "no" to yourself with no fear.
7. Ask for a Counselor's Help
Sometimes, breaking codependent habits will be a difficult thing to do, and if they're deeply rooted in your personality, it's going to be really tough. Don't worry though, you still have a chance to do it by considering therapy.
Therapists who deal with such situations will help you work on regaining self-esteem, as well as realizing your unhealthy behavior and getting rid of it. You'll be able to find the things you want the most in life and change your attachment into a healthier one.
Final Thoughts
If you don't realize how unhealthy your behavior is, codependency will keep tormenting you. Learn to love yourself and realize that your needs matter too, and you will learn how to stop being codependent and thus break the toxic cycle that affects your relationship.